The Circle and The Bear - Tales from 28 Days of Solitude - Part 1

Before and after my solo

“We have not even to risk the adventure alone

for the heroes of all time have gone before us.

The labyrinth is thoroughly known ...

we have only to follow the thread of the hero path.

And where we had thought to find an abomination

we shall find a God.

And where we had thought to slay another

we shall slay ourselves.

Where we had thought to travel outwards

we shall come to the center of our own existence.

And where we had thought to be alone

we shall be with all the world.” 

― Joseph Campbell

Dawn breaks over the Sangre de Cristo mountain range in Colorado as I stand in front of a circle of rocks no more than eight feet across. I’ve been in the wilderness now for 16 days, in solitude, confined to a circle no more than 100m across, as part of a 28 day retreat. I have had few visitors. John P Milton of Way of Nature has visited once; but then I knew he would since he is guiding me through this process. The bears, however, were more of a surprise, especially the one who broke into one of my ‘bear proof’ canisters and stole a week’s worth of food! 

I feel the biggest challenge is yet to come as I commit to no sleep and no food for four days and three nights without leaving this much smaller circle. This is a Native American vision quest, the purpose of which is to explore a visioning state that occurs when the boundaries between wakefulness and sleep dissolve. They say if you are blessed with a vision, it will show you exactly what you need to see.

So arduous is it that Native Americans are known to prepare for a year for this rite of passage and usually aren’t allowed to drink water, nor wear any clothes. This is the worst August for mosquitos that John has witnessed in the last forty-five years, so I am relieved when he tells me I can wear clothes and that I must drink water.

Whilst serving in the Army I experienced being awake for a similar length of time, but had the camaraderie of my platoon and a long list of tasks to complete. On this occasion, however, I am alone and without the luxury of these distractions. 

So I step into the circle as the sun rises at the end of the valley. Shivering in the shade of a tree, I patiently wait for the warmth of the sun to creep into my circle. I know in a few hours time I will be cursing it when the trees are no longer in a position to protect me from its powerful rays. Alternating, as instructed, between prayer, meditation and energy cultivation (tai chi and chi gong), the morning and afternoon go smoothly and as night approaches I am reminded of John’s parting words to me: ‘If you fall asleep lying down then sit up, if you fall asleep sitting up then stand up, and if you fall asleep standing up then you will know about it!’

My serenity gives way to doubt, which gives way to fear. I follow the thread of this fear to a thought that has sneakily entered into the circle with me. ‘You will never finish this, it’s too difficult for you,’ it says. My instinct is to run, but I gather myself and focus on the absolute truth of my experience and with that a profound insight emerges - I am facing the thing I am most scared of in my life. It is not the bears that might come and ‘get me’, nor the discomfort of being exposed to the elements, but the anticipation of my inner critic if I ‘fail’ or if I ‘give up’. It is myself, that I fear the most. 

In contrast with the modern Western values of drive, competition and achievement so ingrained in me, the purpose of this vision quest is none of these; it is simply to have a vision. 

However, I have brought the ‘warrior spirit’ into the circle with me, despite being specifically told by John not to. The soldier in me, the one that can ‘tough it out’ and ‘beat the odds’, quite apart from being a support, is actually proving to be the very thing that I am fighting. It has become the way I know how best to face challenges like these. This small circle is now a symbol, not only of how constrained I am in my own ego, but of how my inner critic keeps repeating itself as if on loop mode.

The vast, deep blue of the night swallows up the last glows of sunset and I patiently wait for the stars to appear and I am comforted when they do. The full moon slowly and predictably follows the path of the sun, casting its mysterious shadows across the valley. 

I look down and my attention is drawn to a mountain flower gently blowing with the cold wind in the moonlight. An unfathomable expanse of freedom stretches across the night sky between the moon and the flower, and yet they appear to dance together as if in an intimate embrace. Delicate and naked, this flower utterly surrenders itself to the earth, is at peace with itself and knows it belongs to something much bigger. 

I sit and watch as a privileged and silent student to this dance, and as I do my separated self is revealed as an illusion. I am nothing in this land, and yet I am it all and all of it is me. The need for me to be anything other than myself drops away and in that moment I also surrender and I also belong. And there it is, my vision. 

At dawn, only 24 hours into my vision quest, I walk out of my circle, a ‘radical’ act, and one witnessed by the rising sun, the wise trees, the rejoicing birds and that brave little flower and not a word of judgement or condemnation is uttered - just like them, I am free. 

See part 2…..