What's There to Be Angry About?
I recently went on the Hoffman Process, which I would recommend to anyone who is looking to move beyond self limiting patterns and towards forgiveness and self compassion.
And although there were a number of different things that came up for me during the week long course, it was my unresolved anger that surprised me the most. As someone who tends towards conflict avoidance, anger is an emotion that I have learned to bury, rather than express.
We pick up our patterns of behaviour, such as our relationship to anger, from our family when we are young. It’s worth having a think about from which of your parents or primary caregivers you learned how to express anger. Was there a belief that anger was a ‘bad’ emotion? Or was it considered a natural and healthy thing to express?
In the past I’ve considered my approach to anger to be disciplined and commendable. More recently my meditation and other spiritual practises have been a way for me to bypass anger - kidding myself that I am resolving it by going around it. But of course without going into it, it’s not processed; without allowing it, I don’t get to truly understand it.
Many of us, I believe, are scared to express our anger and although it’s not always appropriate to do so, a pattern of unexpressed anger can manifest in a myriad of toxic ways, including depression, cynicism, disconnection, stress and psychosomatic illnesses. Conversely, uncontrolled expression of anger can result in hurting people.
There is always pain beneath anger. It could be the pain of not being seen or heard, or perhaps something that we truly value is being neglected or dishonoured somehow. It is a deeply ingrained and unconscious strategy to detect a threat and conveniently distract us from being with our own vulnerability. This can act as an important function for our survival, but can also act as a quick repair mechanism for the ego. When I am angry I absolutely know that I am right, and others are wrong!
I have a number of different things I am angry about now and underneath all of them there is a soft underbelly of vulnerability that my anger is shielding. Underneath the anger towards what I perceive to be a total lack of political urgency from our leaders to protect the environment, is fear for the safety of vulnerable species. Underneath the anger I feel towards a friend who I don’t think is listening, is the pain of rejection. Underneath the anger I feel towards a colleague for being ‘unreasonable’, is actually a threat to my value of freedom.
To see what it is shielding we have to really BE WITH the anger authentically and allow it to flow as it wishes to, without any judgement. We need to feel safe to do this and there is no better place than alone in nature.
Try this out.
Take your anger into nature. Respectfully, draw on the support of the living beings around you, who won’t judge you for being authentically you. Know that your mind, however, may want to judge you and resist something that the body wants to naturally express. So put judgement to one side before releasing this powerful energy in all its colour and character, with your words, your body and your mind. Be patient and curious, you may start to notice a softening in yourself; feel into it and there is likely to be pain or hurt. What is this pain? What wisdom does it have?
The main mistake we make is buying into the idea that the part of us that feels vulnerable needs protecting. It doesn’t, it just needs to be heard and to be given compassion. This is a process of taking responsibility for how we feel, without identifying ourselves with the part of us that is in pain. Our true self is much bigger than that, of course.
When it comes to such a big topic as climate change, it may be that I seek someone out I know will listen to me about the fear I feel. When its closer to home, like the example of my friend and colleague, I might choose to speak to them about the pain I’m feeling, without any judgement or blame or self righteousness and taking full responsibility for how I feel. Solutions lie in this territory; the truth is often more nuanced and complex than the simple right and wrong that blame and anger give us. As ever, in conflict if we aren’t attuned to what pain the other might be experiencing, we are unlikely to resolve anything.
Not all anger requires us to go out into nature and not all of us can find a quiet spot to do that. So here are some other ideas about how to authentically express your anger:
Write down or draw what you really think about someone or something and read it aloud while you write. Don’t hold back. Once you feel you’ve released something throw the paper away or burn it. Don’t go back to read it or look at it.
Write down what or who you are angry about on a piece of paper and stamp on it repeatedly or stick it to the bottom of your shoes and go for a run.
Punch or hit a cushion, maybe you could listen to some music to pump you up whilst you do this. Remember to use your voice if you can.
If you only have a minute or so, find a comfortable position and imagine the anger (give it a colour) draining from your body through your hands and feet, while breathing freely and deeply through your nose.
Perhaps just like a fire, when left unchecked anger can be destructive, yet when channeled and expressed consciously, appropriately and authentically, anger brings clarity and energy to ourselves and others and can be the alchemy to birth necessary and important change.